Bob Hope

I do benefits for all religions—I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

I don’t know what people have got against the government—they’ve done nothing.

People who throw kisses are mighty hopelessly lazy.

He was so crooked that when he died they had to screw him into the ground.

There’ll always be an England, even if it’s in Hollywood.

I believe a lot of you are into gardening—security officers said you were growing your own grass.

I don’t feel old—I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.

I’ve been to almost as many places as my luggage.

If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him.

I was called "Rembrandt" Hope in my boxing days, because I spent so much time on the canvas.

Free speech isn't dead in Germany and Italy, merely the speakers.

When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.

If you haven’t any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.

Failure is the only thing I've ever been a success at.

Well, I’m still here.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.