Fran Lebowitz

Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met.

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or or not.

If you removed all of the homosexuals and homosexual influence from what is generally regarded as American culture you would be pretty much left with “Let’s Make a Deal.”

Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step—it is an old business procedure.

The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.

Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try.

Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or a major movie star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use the word “collectible” as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified success.

Life is something to do when you can’t get to sleep.

Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.

The controversial overachiever is someone whose grasp exceeds his reach. This is possible but not attractive.

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he’s buying.

Think before you speak. Read before you think.

My favorite animal is steak.

I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota.

Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.

There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death.

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater, suggest that he wear a tail.

The best fame is a writer’s fame: it’s enough to get a table at a good restaurant, but not enough that you get interrupted when you eat.

Success didn't spoil me; I've always been insufferable.

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

I do not believe in God. I believe in cashmere.

Inhabitants of underdeveloped nations and victims of natural disasters are the only people who have ever been happy to see soybeans.

If you are truly serious about preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract -- teach him to deduct.

When it comes to sports I am not particularly interested. Generally speaking, I look upon them as dangerous and tiring activities performed by people with whom I share nothing except the right to trial by jury.

No matter how politely or distinctly you ask a Parisian a question, he will persist in answering you in French.

[London:] A place you go to get bronchitis.

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

Being a woman is of special interest to aspiring male transexuals. To actual women it is simply a good excuse not to play football.

No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.

Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.

Amnesia is a condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies.

I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not.