Groucho Marx

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.

[ Responding to a beach club telling him he couldn’t join because he was Jewish :] My son’s only half Jewish. Would it be all right if he went in the water up to his knees?

I’ve been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.

[ Explaining his resignation from the Hollywood chapter of the Friars Club :] I don’t want to belong to any club that would accept me as one of its members.

I never forget a face—but I’m going to make an exception in your case.

[ Question asked of losers on quiz show so that they would go away with some money :] Who is buried in Grant’s Tomb?

[ Responding to a woman contestant who, explaining why she had twenty-two children, said “because I love children, and I think that’s our purpose here on earth, and I love my husband” :] I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

[ J. Cheever Loophole, played by Groucho Marx, speaking :] I bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork.

[ Gordon Miller, played by Groucho Marx, speaking :] Room service? Send up a larger room.

[ J. Cheever Loophole, played by Groucho Marx, after being told that “the bottom of your shoe creates a suction that holds you up in the ceiling” :] No, no, I’d rather not. I have an agreement with the houseflies. The flies don’t practice law and I don’t walk on the ceiling.

[ Otis B. Driftwood, played by Groucho Marx, speaking :] That’s—that’s in every contract. That’s—that’s what they call a sanity clause.

[ “Doctor” Hugo Z. Hackenbush, played by Groucho Marx, attempting to take Harpo’s pulse :] Either he’s dead, or my watch has stopped.

[ Ambassador Tarentino, played by Louis Calhern, speaking :] This means war!

[ Chicolini, played by Chico Marx, speaking :] Who you gonna believe, me or your own eyes?

[ Professor Wagstaff, played by Groucho Marx, speaking :]

[ Rufus T. Firefly, played by Groucho Marx, speaking :] Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money? Answer the second question first.

[ Groucho Marx speaking :] Come, Kapellmeister, let the violas throb! My regiment leaves at dawn.

[ Groucho Marx speaking after a woman says, “I don’t like this innuendo” :] That’s what I always say. Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

[ Groucho Marx speaking :] Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?

[ Groucho Marx, replying to the comment, “You’re awfully shy for a lawyer” :] You bet I’m shy. I’m a shyster lawyer.

[ Mrs. Whitehead, played by Margaret Irving, speaking :] Why, that’s bigamy.

[ Captain Jeffrey T. Spaulding, played by Groucho Marx, singing :] Hello, I must be going.

[ Hammer, played by Groucho Marx, speaking :] I’ll meet you tonight under the moon. Oh, I can see you now, you and the moon. You wear a necktie so I’ll know you.

[ Line repeatedly spoken by Chico Marx when Groucho Marx refers to a viaduct:] Why a duck?

[ Hammer, played by Groucho Marx, speaking :] Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. And now I’ve got a nickel in my pocket.

I’m not very smart and have mediocre ability. I make up for it with hard work.

Everybody has the obligation to produce as long as they are capable.

Well, I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech.

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.

I aught join a club and beat you over the head with it.

Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?

You are only as old as the woman you feel.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Love goes out the door when money comes innuendo.

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.