Helen Rowland

When you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living.

A man’s desire for a son is usually nothing but the wish to duplicate himself in order that such a remarkable pattern may not be lost to the world.

The chief excitement in a woman’s life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.

After marriage, a woman’s sight becomes so keen that she can see right through her husband without looking at him, and a man’s so dull that he can look right through his wife without seeing her.

When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.

When you see a married couple coming down the street, the one who is two or three steps ahead is the one that’s mad.

A man is like a cat; chase him and he’ll run; sit still and ignore him and he’ll come purring at your feet.

Life begins at 40—but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person three or four times.

When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.

Many men kill themselves for love, but many more women die of it.

Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the imagination and bottling the common sense.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.

A marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

Love the quest; marriage the conquest; divorce the inquest.

Marriage is the operation by which a woman's vanity and a man's egotism are extracted without an anesthetic.

Marriage is the miracle that transforms a kiss from a pleasure into a duty.

After a few years of marriage a man can look right at a woman without seeing her and a woman can see right through a man without looking at him.

Before marriage, a man will go home and lie awake all night thinking about something you said; after marriage, he'll go to sleep before you finish saying it.

Some women can be fooled all of the time, and all women can be fooled some of the time, but the same woman can't be fooled by the same man in the same way more than half of the time.

And verily, a woman need know but one man well, in order to understand all men; whereas a man may know all women and understand not one of them.

A man can become so accustomed to the thought of his own faults that he will begin to cherish them as charming little "personal characteristics”.

A woman's flattery may inflate a man's head a little; but her criticism goes straight to his heart, and contracts it so that it can never again hold quite as much love for her.

Telling lies is a fault in a boy, an art in a lover, an accomplishment in a bachelor, and second-nature in a married man.

Never trust a husband too far, nor a bachelor too near.

Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings or eating with chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it.

It isn’t tying himself to one woman that a man dreads when he thinks of marrying; it’s separating himself from all the others.

A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her imagination, and then they both speak of it as an affair of “the heart.”

The follies which a man regrets most, in his life, are those which he didn’t commit when he had the opportunity.

A husband is what is left of a lover, after the nerve has been extracted.

Somehow a bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty and a boy forever.