Henny Youngman

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? Because they’re worth it.

I’ve been in love with the same woman for 41 years. If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!

She’s a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

Take my wife—please!

What is a home without children? Quiet.

My grandmother is over 80 and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad—but New York City?

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I’ve called my car Flattery because it gets me nowhere.

If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.

I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10 percent sex, 90 percent guilt

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by four o'clock.

(a) How much did you make last year? (b) How much have you got left? (c) Send (b).

I had my credit card stolen, but I didn't report it because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.

Things could be much worse. I could be one of my creditors.

I wish my son would learn a trade. At least we'd know what kind of work he's out of.