P. G. Wodehouse

At the age of eleven or thereabouts women acquire a poise and an ability to handle difficult situations which a man, if he is lucky, manages to achieve somewhere in the later seventies. P. G.

Boyhood, like measles, is one of those complaints which a man should catch young and have done with, for when it comes in middle life it is apt to be serious. P. G.

If not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled. P. G.

The French invented the only known cure for dandruff. It is called the guillotine.

If men's minds were like dominoes, surely his would be the double blank.

The ideas of debtor and creditor as to what constitutes a good time never coincide.

If you could call the thing a horse. If it hadn't shown a flash of speed in the straight, it would have got mixed up with the next race.

To find a man's true character, play golf with him.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

The real objection to the great majority of cats is their insufferable air of superiority. Cats, as a class, have never completely got over the snootiness caused by the fact that in Ancient Egypt they were worshiped as gods.

THE FASCINATION OF SHOOTING AS A SPORT DEPENDS ALMOST WHOLLY ON WHETHER YOU ARE AT THE RIGHT OR WRONG END OF THE GUN.

SUDDEN SUCCESS IN GOLF IS LIKE THE SUDDEN ACQUISITION OF WEALTH. IT IS APT TO UNSETTLE AND DETERIORATE THE CHARACTER.

CHUMPS ALWAYS MAKE THE BEST HUSBANDS… ALL THE UNHAPPY MARRIAGES COME FROM THE HUSBANDS HAVING BRAINS.

THERE ARE MEN WHO FEAR REPARTEE IN A WIFE MORE KEENLY THAN A SWORD.

I ALWAYS ADVISE PEOPLE NEVER TO GIVE ADVICE.

HAS ANYBODY EVER SEEN A DRAMA CRITIC IN THE DAYTIME? I DOUBT IT.

THERE IS ONLY ONE CURE FOR GREY HAIR. IT WAS INVENTED BY A FRENCHMAN. IT IS CALLED THE GUILLOTINE.

AS A SLEUTH YOU ARE POOR. YOU COULDN’T DETECT A BASS-DRUM IN A TELEPHONE-BOOTH.

A melancholy-looking man, he had the appearance of one who has searched for the leak in life's gas-pipe with a lighted candle.

Unseen in the background, Fate was quietly slipping the lead into the boxing-glove.

He was the sort of man who would have tried to cheer Napoleon up by talking about the Winter Sports at Moscow.

A little bit added to what you’ve already got gives you a little bit more.

Ice formed on the butler’s upper slopes.

The Right Hon. was a tubby little chap who looked as if he had been poured into his clothes and had forgotten to say ‘When!’

It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.

What with excellent browsing and sluicing and cheery conversation and what-not, the afternoon passed quite happily.

When Aunt is calling to Aunt like mastodons bellowing across primeval swamps.

It is no use telling me that there are bad aunts and good aunts. At the core, they are all alike. Sooner or later, out pops the cloven hoof.

He spoke with a certain what-is-it in his voice, and I could see that, if not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled.

It is never difficult to distinguish between a Scotsman with a grievance and a ray of sunshine.

So always look for the silver lining And try to find the sunny side of life.