Quotes to inspire and reflect

Congress consists of one third, more or less, scoundrels; two thirds, more or less, idiots; and three thirds, more or less, poltroons

The whole dream of democracy is to raise the proletarian to the level of stupidity attained by the bourgeois.

What men call good fellowship is commonly but the virtue of pigs in a litter which lie close together to keep each other warm.

Of all noises, I think music is the least disagreeable.

Marriage is a bargain, and somebody has to get the worst of the bargain.

You want a wife who is intelligent, but not too intelligent.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

It is a curious thing ... that every creed promises a paradise which will be absolutely uninhabitable for anyone of civilized taste.

The human race may well become extinct before the end of the century.

In order to fully realize how bad a popular play can be, it is necessary to see it twice.

The only people who seem to have nothing to do with the education of the children are the parents. G.K.

Who could follow Carson? Well, believe me, somebody can - and will.

There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.

No man should marry before he has studied anatomy and dissected the body of a woman.

Even in civilized mankind faint traces of monogamous instincts can be perceived.

The chief objection of playing wind instruments is that it prolongs the life of the player.

Coincidences are spiritual puns. G.K.

The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated

What dreadful hot weather we have! It keeps me in a continual state of inelegance.

I prefer the company of peasants because they have not been educated sufficiently to reason incorrectly.

I was much distressed by next door people who had twin babies and played the violin; but one of the twins died, and the other has eaten the fiddle - so all is peace.

Popularity is the one insult I have never suffered.

To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.

There is no passion like that of a functionary for his function.

Giving every man a vote has no more made men wise and free than Christianity has made them good

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

Make money and the whole nation will conspire to call you a gentleman.

The probability that we may fail in the struggle ought not to deter us from the support of a cause we believe to be just.

It is after you have lost your teeth that you can afford to buy steaks.

He that respects himself is safe from others. He wears a coat of mail that none can pierce.

If the Prince of Peace should come to earth, one of the first things he would do would be to put psychiatrists in their place.

I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers.

Self is the only prison that can bind the soul.

Nothing to me is more distasteful than that entire complacency and satisfaction which beam in the countenances of a newly married couple.

A painter should not paint what he sees but what should be seen.

Man is only man at the surface. Remove the skin, dissect, and immediately you come to machinery.

The first kiss is stolen by the man; the last is begged by the woman

Platitude: an idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and (b) that is not true

Statistics show that we lose more fools on this day than on all other days of the year put together. This proves, by the numbers left in stock, that one Fourth of July per year is now inadequate, the country has grown so.

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.

My motto is: Contented with little, yet wishing for more.

Psychoanalysts are father confessors who like to listen to the sins of the father as well.

One should never know too precisely whom one has married.

The Preacher, the Politicain, the Teacher,
Were each of them once a kiddie.
A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
Do I want one? God Forbiddie!

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

I fell asleep reading a dull book and dreamed I kept on reading, so I awoke from sheer boredom.

A bone to the dog is not charity. Charity is the bone shared with the dog, when you are just as hungry as the dog.

You must have taken great pains, sir; you could not naturally been so very stupid.