Quotes to inspire and reflect

To be satisfied with what one has; that is wealth.

Those that respect the law and love sausage should watch neither being made.

If you have nothing to say, say nothing.

It is wiser to find out than to suppose .

Of all the animals, man is the only one that lies.

Love your enemy, it will scare the hell out of them.

Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one.

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

Enthusiasm is caught, not taught .

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.

Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate.

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.

If a person offends you, and you are in doubt as to whether it was intentional or not, do not resort to extreme measures; simply watch your chance, and hit him with a brick.

I saw a startling sight today, a politician with his hands in his own pockets .

Stripping away the irrational, the illogical, and the impossible, I am left with atheism. I can live with that.

No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.

You can't break a bad habit by throwing it out the window. You've got to walk it slowly down the stairs.

I have spent most of my life worrying about things that have never happened.

If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much.

There was never yet an uninteresting life. Such a thing is an impossibility. Inside of the dullest exterior there is a drama, a comedy, and a tragedy.

Laughter is the greatest weapon we have and we, as humans, use it the least .

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody .

Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today.

Don't wait the time is never just right.

The secret of making progress is to get started.

To lodge all power in one party and keep it there is to insure bad government and the sure and gradual deterioration of the public morals.

Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty.

Those who do not read the news are uninformed. Those who do are misinformed .

The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven not man's.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do day after tomorrow just as well.

Do something everyday that you don't want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.

I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company .

The secret of getting ahead is getting started

College is a place where a professor's lecture notes go straight to the students' lecture notes, without passing through the brains of either.

Adam was the luckiest man in the world. He had no mother-in-law.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.

The best cure for Christianity is reading the Bible.

Never have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.