Life and Existence

To trust the God of the Bible is to trust an irascible, vindictive, fierce and ever fickle and changeful master.

Men and women -- even man and wife are foreigners. Each has reserves that the other cannot enter into, nor understand. These have the effect of frontiers.

I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.

Life should begin with age and its privileges and accumulations, and end with youth and its capacity to splendidly enjoy such advantages.

When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.

When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.

When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people.

I was dead for millions of years before I was born and it never inconvenienced me a bit.

I was dead for millions of years before I was born and it never inconvenienced me a bit.

To be, or not to be; that is the bare bodkin That makes calamity of so long life.

Let us swear while we may, for in heaven it will not be allowed

A habit cannot be tossed out the window; it must be coaxed down the stairs a step at a time.

All religions issue bibles again Satan, and say the most injurious things against him, but we never hear his side.

Eating and sleeping are the only activities that should be allowed to interrupt a man's enjoyment of his cigar.

Nothing agrees with me. If I drink coffee, it gives me dyspepsia; if I drink wine, it gives me the gout; if I go to church, it gives me dysentery.

When I was fourteen years old, I was amazed at how unintelligent my father was. By the time I turned twenty-one, I was astounded how much he had learned in the last seven years.

What is human life? The first third a good time; the rest remembering about it.

What is human life? The first third a good time; the rest remembering about it.

All emotion is involuntary when genuine.

You are about as happy as you make up your mind to be.

I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Life does not consist mainly, or even largely, of facts and happenings. It consists mainly of the storm of thought that is forever flowing through one's head.