Humor e Ironia

Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.

There's always something about your success that displeases even your best friends.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint .

There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages.

Imagine, if you will, that I am an idiot. Then, imagine that I am also a Congressman. But, alas, I repeat myself.

He is useless on top of the ground; he ought to be under it, inspiring the cabbages.

Those that respect the law and love sausage should watch neither being made.

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.

Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.

If a person offends you, and you are in doubt as to whether it was intentional or not, do not resort to extreme measures; simply watch your chance, and hit him with a brick.

I saw a startling sight today, a politician with his hands in his own pockets .

Laughter is the greatest weapon we have and we, as humans, use it the least .

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty.

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do day after tomorrow just as well.

Those who do not read the news are uninformed. Those who do are misinformed .

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

Adam was the luckiest man in the world. He had no mother-in-law.

College is a place where a professor's lecture notes go straight to the students' lecture notes, without passing through the brains of either.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.

The best cure for Christianity is reading the Bible.