Phyllis Diller

I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing wrong about going to bed with a good book…or a friend who’s read one.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?

The reason women don’t play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three dollar pantyhose that won’t run.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives 40 miles away.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.

You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.

My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle.

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

I don’t know how you feel about old age, but in my case I didn’t see it coming. It hit me in the rear.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

I asked the waiter, “Is this milk fresh?” He said, “Lady, three hours ago it was grass.”

A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.

You want to look younger. Rent smaller children.

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.