Robert Benchley

It is rather to be chosen than great riches, unless I have omitted something from the quotation.

There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who constantly divide the people of the world into two classes, and those who do not.

A great many people have come up to me and asked me how I manage to get so much work done and still keep looking so dissipated.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else. Will Rogers, Illiterate Digest (1924), "Warning to Jokers: lay off the prince" An ardent supporter of the hometown team should go to a game prepared to take offense, no matter what happens.

As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did.

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.

The pencil sharpener is about as far as I have ever got in operating a complicated piece of machinery with any success.

Tell us your phobias, and we will tell you what you are afraid of.

The only cure for a real hangover is death.

I know I’m drinking myself to a slow death, but then I’m in no hurry.

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.

I wouldn't trust a bank that would lend money to such a poor risk as me.

I do most of my work sitting down; that's where I shine.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.

STREETS FLOODED. PLEASE ADVISE. message sent on arriving in Venice

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by that time I was too famous.

In America there are two classes of travel—first class, and with children.

The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.

I don’t know enough words to have a style; I know, at the most, fifteen adjectives.

Great literature must spring from an upheaval in the author’s soul. If that upheaval is not present, then it must come from the works of any other author which happen to be handy and easily adapted.