Honesty is a good thing, but it is not profitable to its possessor unless it is kept under control.

If a child shows himself to be incorrigible, he should be decently and quietly beheaded at the age of twelve, lest he grow to maturity marry, and perpetuate his kind.

Happiness is the interval between periods of unhappiness.

A pessimist is a person who has to listen to too many optimists.

The chief obstacle to the progress of the human race is the human race.

Fishing is a delusion entirely surrounded by liars in old clothes.

Middle age is the time when a man is always thinking that in a week or two he will feel just as good as ever.

There is nothing so habit-forming as money.

Bores bore each other, too, but it never seems to teach them anything.

A SEQUEL IS AN ADMISSION THAT YOU’VE BEEN REDUCED TO IMITATING YOURSELF.