Quotes to inspire and reflect

More than any other time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness; the other, to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

Can never rise and fight again.

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door, greet him with, “Who could have done this? We have no enemies.”

The only difference between lawyers and doctors is that lawyers simply rob you, whereas doctors both rob you and kill you, too.

I never work. Work does age you so.

We live in the age of the over-worked, and the under-educated; the age in which people are so industrious that they become absolutely stupid.

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

When you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living.

Whenever people talk to me about the weather, I always feel quite certain that they mean something else.

It is awfully hard work doing nothing.

Save a boyfriend for a rainy day. And another, in case it doesn’t rain.

I seriously doubt if we will ever have another war. This is probably the very last one.

Don’t talk to me about naval tradition. It’s nothing but rum, sodomy, and the lash.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I like restraint, if it doesn’t go too far.

The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.

It is a sin to believe evil of others, but it is seldom a mistake.

Wickedness is a myth invented by good people to account for the curious attractiveness of others.

I’m no angel but I’ve spread my wings a bit.

I’ve been things and I’ve seen places.

“Goodness had nothing to do with it.”

To err is human—but it feels divine.

The best way to behave is to misbehave.

The censors wouldn’t even let me sit on a guy’s lap, and I’ve been on more laps than a table napkin.

Forty-one, I think it is.

The truth is rarely pure and never simple. Modern life would be very tedious if it were either, and modern literature a complete impossibility.

Women have a hard enough time in this world; telling them the truth would be too cruel.

A wise man does not waste so good a commodity as lying for naught.

If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out.

You want to be very careful about lying; otherwise you are nearly sure to get caught.

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling falsehoods about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.

It is a terrible thing for a man to find out suddenly that all his life he has been speaking nothing but the truth.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

Turkey, n. A large bird whose flesh when eaten on certain religious anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude. Incidentally, it is pretty good eating.

We’re having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.

Television has done much for psychiatry by spreading information about it, as well as contributing to the need for it.

Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.

American people don’t believe anything until they see it on television.

I’m delighted with [television], because it used to be that films were the lowest form of art. Now we’re got something to look down on.

My father hated radio and could not wait for television to be invented so he could hate that too.

Television has raised writing to a new low.

Why should people go out and pay to see bad movies when they can stay at home and see bad television for nothing.

Television is a device that permits people who haven’t anything to do to watch people who can’t do anything.

The secret to success is to offend the greatest number of people.

Success, n. The one unpardonable sin against one’s fellows.

Don’t marry a tennis player—love means nothing to them.

Swimming isn’t a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning.