Quotes to inspire and reflect

Baseball happens to be a game of cumulative tension, but football, basketball, and hockey are played with hand grenades and machine guns.

One should always play fairly…when one has the winning cards.

If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.

Many a woman has a past, but I am told that she has at least a dozen, and that they all fit.

I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher—they are going to make a board game out of it.

I think that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five it’s fantastic.

Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.

Of all sexual aberrations, chastity is the strangest.

I’m the girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

For women the best aphrodisiacs are words. The G-spot is in the ears. He who looks for it below there is wasting his time.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to her, if she is pretty, and to someone else if she is plain.

I feel like a million tonight—but one at a time.

They say all lovers swear more performance than they are able.

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

My brain—that’s my second favorite organ.

Virginity breeds mites, much like a cheese.

There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

Let’s forget the six feet and talk about the seven inches.

Personally, I know nothing about sex because I’ve always been married.

The difference between sex and death is, with death you can do it alone and nobody’s going to make fun of you.

My girlfriend always laughs during sex—no matter what she’s reading.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives 40 miles away.

I’ll come and make love to you at five o’clock. If I’m late, start without me.

I prefer women with a past. They’re always so damned amusing to talk to.

and the Beatles’ first LP.

A hard man’s good to find—but you’ll mostly find him asleep.

Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?

Sex alleviates tension and love causes it.

My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, “the man goes on top and the woman underneath.” For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds.

I had the radio on.

A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.

I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot.

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between the right man and the right woman.

When I’m good, I’m very, very good, but when I’m bad, I’m better.

It’s so long since I’ve had sex, I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.

Let me pray to God…The bastard! He doesn’t exist.

I do benefits for all religions—I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

I’m really a timid person—I was beaten up by Quakers.

Heaven, n. A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own.

Has anyone noticed that in heaven all the interesting men are missing?

Because I’m Jewish, a lot of people ask why I killed Christ. What can I say? It was an accident. It was one of those parties that got out of hand.

I don’t believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.