Quotes to inspire and reflect

If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.

I don’t pray because I don’t want to bore God.

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter.

When a woman gets too old to be attractive to man, she turns to God.

As God once said, and I think rightly…

I would have made a good Pope.

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

And God said, “Let there be light” and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

If the universe is expanding, why can’t I find a parking space?

It’s impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought—particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute and it’s longer than any hour. That’s relativity.

A professional politician is a professionally dishonorable man. In order to get anywhere near high office he has to make so many compromises and submit to so many humiliations that he becomes indistinguishable from a streetwalker.

Politics would be a helluva good business if it weren’t for the goddamned people.

To see the things thou dost not.

A politician should have three hats. One for throwing into the ring, one for talking through, and one for pulling rabbits out of if elected.

He may be a son of a bitch, but he’s our son of a bitch.

I don’t know what people have got against the government—they’ve done nothing.

One day the don’t-knows will get in, and then where will we be?

I am sure, Lord Illingworth, you don’t think that uneducated people should be allowed to have votes?

Of this vile politician.

Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as dangerous. In war you can only be killed once, but in politics many times.

Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards. If you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.

Nothing is so admirable in politics as a short memory.

High hopes were once formed of democracy; but democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people. It has been found out.

A good politician…is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar or a virtuous harlot.

I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

I don’t know a lot about politics, but I can recognize a good party man when I see one.

A politician…one that would circumvent God.

New York, the nation’s thyroid gland.

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most of it unsolved.

Is fit for treasons, stratagems, and spoils…

You can’t possibly hear the last movement of Beethoven’s Seventh and go slow.

Fathers should be neither seen nor heard. That is the only proper basis for family life.

Her mother was a cultivated woman—she was born in a greenhouse.

My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle.

A suburban mother’s role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after.

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.

I never got along with my dad. When I was a kid, other kids would come up to me: “My dad can beat up your dad.” I’d go, “When?… He cuts the lawn on Saturdays. Nail him out there when he’s got those Bermuda shorts, red tennis shoes, and sock garters on.”

A man’s desire for a son is usually nothing but the wish to duplicate himself in order that such a remarkable pattern may not be lost to the world.

A man knows when he is growing old because he begins to look like his father.

One must have some occupation nowadays. If I hadn’t my debts I shouldn’t have anything to think about.

Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own.

I am a gentleman: I live by robbing the poor.

There is only one class in the community that thinks more about money than the rich, and that is the poor.

To say there is no vice, but beggary.

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.