Quotes to inspire and reflect

In California, they don’t throw their garbage away—they make it into TV shows.

In California everyone goes to a therapist, is a therapist, or is a therapist going to a therapist.

Do you have blacks, too?

Parents should leave books lying around marked “forbidden” if they want their children to read.

Tell your nice mummies and daddies to buy this book for you and hit them until they do.

Hiring someone to write your autobiography is like hiring someone to take a bath for you.

I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing wrong about going to bed with a good book…or a friend who’s read one.

Your bum is the greatest thing about you.

I have the body of an eighteen-year-old. I keep it in the fridge.

The average man is more interested in a woman who is interested in him than he is in a woman with beautiful legs.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The owl shriek’d at thy birth, an evil sign.

Amnesia is a condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

Where wilt thou find a cavern dark enough to mask thy monstrous visage?

They [good looks] are a snare that every sensible man would like to be caught in.

Curious thing, plain women are always jealous of their husbands, beautiful women never are!

I never see thy face but I think upon hell-fire.

She is a peacock in everything but beauty.

Beauty, n. The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.

Melbourne is the kind of town that really makes you consider the question “Is there life after death?”

When I look at the map and see what an ugly-looking country Australia is, I feel as if I want to go there to see if it cannot be changed into a more beautiful form.

She is like most artists; she is all style without any sincerity.

To Australia? Oh, don’t mention that dreadful vulgar place.

What is an artist? For every thousand people there’s 900 doing the work, 90 doing well, nine doing good, and one lucky bastard who’s the artist.

The true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother drudge for his living at 70, sooner than work at anything but his art.

I would never have taken up painting if women did not have breasts.

All bad art is the result of good intentions.

You must have the devil in you to succeed in any of the arts.

If that’s art, I’m a Hottentot!

If Botticelli were alive today he’d be working for Vogue.

There are moments when Art almost attains to the dignity of manual labor.

Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise man to be able to sell it.

But the Devil whoops, as he whooped of old: “It’s clever, but is it art?”

I don’t own any of my own paintings because a Picasso original costs several thousand dollars—it’s a luxury I can’t afford.

I’ve finished that chapel I was painting. The Pope is quite satisfied.

Life is a series of dogs.

He that lieth down with dogs, shall rise up with fleas.

The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves.

A man is like a cat; chase him and he’ll run; sit still and ignore him and he’ll come purring at your feet.

Cat, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.

Animals are my friends, and I don’t eat my friends.

The thing that differentiates man from animals is money.

I believe that our Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey.

There is an eagle in me that wants to soar, and there is a hippopotamus in me that wants to wallow in the mud.

The Americans are certainly great hero-worshipers, and always take heroes from the criminal classes.

Our most perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.