Quotes to inspire and reflect

The American man marries early, and the American woman marries often; and they get on extremely well together.

Americans adore me and will go on adoring me until I say something nice about them.

In America, the young are always ready to give to those who are older than themselves the full benefits of their inexperience.

I don’t believe there’s any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can’t completely ignore.

All Americans lecture, I believe. I suppose it is something in their climate.

America is the only nation in history which, miraculously, has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization.

That joke was lost on the foreigner—guides cannot master the subtleties of the American joke.

She behaves as if she was beautiful. Most American women do. It is the secret of their charm.

I am willing to love all mankind, except an American.

America had often been discovered before Columbus, but it had always been hushed up.

Americans will always do the right thing, after they’ve exhausted all the alternatives.

American women expect to find in their husbands a perfection that English women only hope to find in their butlers.

Americans can eat garbage, provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup, mustard, chili sauce, Tabasco sauce, cayenne pepper, or any other condiment which destroys the original flavor of the dish.

After four I’m under my host.

The problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk, they’re sober.

Quickly, bring me a beaker of wine, so that I may wet my mind and say something clever.

Drunkenness is simply voluntary insanity.

Brandy, n.: A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the-grave, and four parts clarified Satan.

Hangover: The wrath of grapes.

A bottle of wine contains more philosophy than all the books in the world.

My grandmother is over 80 and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

Gin was mother’s milk to her.

The only cure for a real hangover is death.

Alcohol is like love: the first kiss is magic, the second is intimate, the third is routine. After that, you just take the girl’s clothes off.

I don’t drink liquor. I don’t like it. It makes me feel good.

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

I know I’m drinking myself to a slow death, but then I’m in no hurry.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Is quicker.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad—but New York City?

What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?

I have made an important discovery—that alcohol, taken in sufficient quantities, produces all the effects of intoxication.

I believe a lot of you are into gardening—security officers said you were growing your own grass.

I am not a heavy drinker. I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop.

I drink, therefore I am.

There can’t be good living where there is not good drinking.

Pour him out of here!

Women are as old as they feel—and men are old when they lose their feelings.

I delight in men over 70. They always offer one the devotion of a lifetime. I think 70 an ideal age for a man.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

No woman should ever be quite accurate about her age. It looks so calculating.

Who goes to bed with whom.

You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.

I don’t feel old—I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.

You’re never too old to become younger.

I don’t know how you feel about old age, but in my case I didn’t see it coming. It hit me in the rear.

Allow me to put the record straight. I am 46 and have been for some years past.