Quotes to inspire and reflect

Politics are very much like war. We may even have to use poison gas at times.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Everywhere is nowhere. When a person spends all his time in foreign travel, he ends by having many acquaintances, but no friends.

War: first, one hopes to win; then one expects the enemy to lose; then, one is satisfied that he too is suffering; in the end, one is surprised that everyone has lost.

How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to anyone?

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I’ve been to almost as many places as my luggage.

The first condition of understanding a foreign country is to smell it.

A man who, beyond the age of 26, finds himself on a bus can count himself as a failure.

Modern travelling is not travelling at all; it is merely being sent to a place, and very little different from becoming a parcel.

Being in a ship is like being in a jail, with the option of drowning.

I’ve called my car Flattery because it gets me nowhere.

That’s OK. We can walk to the kerb from here.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it.

I am sorry to say that there is too much point to the wisecrack that life is extinct on other planets because their scientists were more advanced than ours.

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.

If you can't explain it to a six-year-old, you don't understand it yourself.

My formula for success is to rise early, work late and strike oil.

Success is relative. It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things.

Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10 percent sex, 90 percent guilt

It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.

Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

Science is the record of dead religions.

A fact is a simple statement that everyone believes. It is innocent, unless found guilty. A hypothesis is a novel suggestion that no one wants to believe. It is guilty, until found effective.

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.

An Inuit hunter asked the local missionary priest: "If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?" "No," said the priest, "not if you did not know." "Then why," asked the Inuit earnestly, "did you tell me?"

Man cannot make a worm, yet he will make gods by the dozen.

Morality is doing what is right, no matter what you are told. Religion is doing what you are told, no matter what is right.

The truths of religion are never so well understood as by those who have lost their power of reasoning.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives.

One picture is worth 1,000 denials.

All the contact I have had with politics has left me feeling as though I had been drinking out of spittoons.

This is an impressive crowd: the Have's and Have-more's. Some people call you the elites. I call you my base.

Any 20 year-old who isn't a liberal doesn't have a heart, and any 40 year-old who isn't a conservative doesn't have a brain.

Politics is the conduct of public affairs for private advantage.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

Philosophers before Kant had a tremendous advantage over philosophers after Kant in that they didn’t have to waste time studying Kant.

Hegel set out his philosophy with so much obscurity that people thought it must be profound.

A concept is a brick. It can be used to build a courthouse of reason. Or it can be thrown through the window.