Quotes to inspire and reflect

Forty is the old age of youth. Fifty is the youth of old age.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

You want to look younger. Rent smaller children.

The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we hold of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

My life has been filled with terrible misfortune; most of which never happened.

Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.

I've had eighteen straight whiskies; I think that's the record.

Sometimes it's better to keep your mouth closed and let people wonder if you're a fool than to open it and remove all their doubt.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Some only gargle

A horse that can count to ten is a remarkable horse—not a remarkable mathematician.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Some problems are so complex that you have to be highly intelligent and well informed just to be undecided about them.

Dear Randolph, utterly unspoiled by failure.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

What’s on your mind if you will forgive the overstatement.

I don't know anything about this man. Anyhow, I only know two things about him. One is, he has never been in jail, and the other is, I don't know why.

From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.

If men's minds were like dominoes, surely his would be the double blank.

Am reserving two tickets for you for my premiere. Come and bring a friend - if you have one.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

I could dance with you until the cows come home... on second thoughts, I'll dance with the cows and you go home.

I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed.

A modest little person, with much to be modest about.

The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being, but to remind him that he is already degraded.

What we learn from history is that people don't learn from history.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes–and six months later you have to start all over again.

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

Controversy equalizes fools and wise men ... and the fools know it.

Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve.

If I could drop dead right now, I’d be the happiest man alive.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage.

The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.

Between friends, differences in taste or opinion are irritating in direct proportion to their triviality.

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch.

I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.

She wore far too much rouge last night and not quite enough clothes. That is always a sign of despair in a woman.

A lot of gay men stay in the closet because they are interested in fashion.

You can never be overdressed or overeducated.