Humor e Ironia

You can't pray a lie -- I found that out.

The bane of Americans is overwork-and the ruin of any work is a divided interest. Concentrate-concentrate. One thing at a time .

Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream.

Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied.

I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

It is better to be a young June-bug than an old bird of paradise.

It is my belief that nearly any invented quotation, played with confidence, stands a good chance to deceive .

He was endowed with a stupidity which by the least little stretch would go around the globe four times and tie.

I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately .

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

New Orleans food is as delicious as the less criminal forms of sin.

Difference between savage and civilized man: one is painted, the other gilded.

Epitaphs are cheap, and they do a poor chap a world of good after he is dead, especially if he had hard luck while he was alive. I wish they were used more.

A German joke is no laughing matter.

New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions.

I wish to become rich, so that I can instruct the people and glorify honest poverty a little, like those kind hearted, fat, benevolent people do.

Men think they think upon the great political questions, and they do; but they think with their party, not independently; they read its literature, but not that of the other side

Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.

Golf is a good walk spoiled .

We like a man to come right out and say what he thinks- if we agree with him.

Of course, no man is entirely in his right mind at any time.

Give a man a reputation as an early riser and he can sleep 'til noon.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know .