Humor e Ironia

I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, Spencer is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and I’m not feeling so well myself.

If I cannot smoke in heaven, then I shall not go.

Man is the only religious animal. In the Holy task of smoothing his brother's path to the happiness of heaven, he has turned the globe into a graveyard.

Intellectual food is like any other; it is pleasanter and more beneficial to take it with a spoon than a shovel.

We were good boys, good Presbyterian boys, and loyal and all that; anyway, we were good Presbyterian boys when the weather was doubtful; when it was fair, we did wander a little from the fold.

The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.

April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.

Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.

As one boy said, 'I was thinking all these horrible thoughts about my parents when suddenly it hit me-if they're all that bad, how come I'm so wonderful '

Satan hasn't a single salaried helper; the Opposition employs a million.

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.

A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

Rise early. It is the early bird that catches the worm. Don't be fooled by this absurd law; I once knew a man who tried it. He got up at sunrise and a horse bit him.

I could be an idiot, or I can serve in Congress, but I repeat myself .

There is nothing like instances to grow hair on a bald-headed argument.

I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.

A dozen direct censures are easier to bear than one morganatic compliment.

An occasional compliment is necessary to keep up one's self-respect.

We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world and it's efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read-

To eat is human, to digest, divine

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.

Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.