Humor e Ironia

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt .

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits. Fanatics will never learn that, though it be written in letters of gold across the sky. It is the prohibition that makes anything precious.

Be virtuous and you will be eccentric.

Never argue with people who buy ink by the gallon.

Trial by jury is the palladium of our liberties. I do not know what a palladium is, but I am sure it is a good thing!

Let us not be too particular; it is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all.

The art of prophecy is very difficult, especially with respect to the future.

What God lacks is convictions- stability of character. He ought to be a Presbyterian or a Catholic or something- not try to be everything.

When a library expels a book of mine and leaves an unexpurgated Bible lying around where unprotected youth and age can get hold of it, the deep unconscious irony of it delights me and doesn't anger me.

Patriotism is usually the refuge of the scoundrel. He is the man who talks the loudest .

The cost of living hasn't effected its popularity.

I don't know of a single foreign product that enters this country untaxed, except the answer to prayer.

My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.

If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man but deteriorate the cat .

Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.

Simplified spelling is all right, but, like chastity, you can carry it too far.

The idea that no gentleman ever swears is all wrong. He can swear and still be a gentleman if he does it in a nice and benevolent and affectionate way.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you're busy interrupting.

Figures don't lie, but liars figure .

There is nothing so annoying as a good example!!

Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.

My memory was never loaded with anything but blank cartridges.

In God We Trust. I don't believe it would sound any better if it were true.

Fortune knocks at every man's door once in a life, but in a good many cases the man is in a neighboring saloon and does not hear her.