Humor e Ironia

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

Principles aren't of much account anyway, except at election time. After that you hang them up to let them season.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education .

At noon I observed a bevy of nude young native women bathing in the sea, and I went and sat down on their clothes to keep them from being stolen.

An honest politician is an oxymoron.

If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later.

Indecency, vulgarity, obscenity - these are strictly confined to man; he invented them. Among the higher animals there is no trace of them. They hide nothing. They are not ashamed.

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow.

I have made it a rule never to smoke more than one cigar at a time.

I was young and foolish then; now I am old and foolisher .

Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other.

Ignorant people think it is the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it is the sickening grammar that they use.

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

It is not best that we should all think alike; it is a difference of opinion that makes horse races.

A sense of humor is the one thing no one will admit to not having.

When I'm playful I use the meridians of longitude and parallels of latitude for a seine, and drag the Atlantic Ocean for whales. I scratch my head with the lightning and purr myself to sleep with the thunder.

Carlyle said 'a lie cannot live.' It shows that he did not know how to tell them.

Many public-school children seem to know only two dates—1492 and 4th of July; and as a rule they don't know what happened on either occasion.

There are no grades of vanity; there are only grades of ability in concealing it .

Between us, we cover all knowledge; he knows all that can be known and I know the rest.

Wagner’s music is better than it sounds.

I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.

Humor is the good natured side of a truth.

Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.