Humor e Ironia

Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.

The political and commercial morals of the United States are not merely food for laughter, they are an entire banquet.

All Congresses and Parliaments have a kindly feeling for idiots, and a compassion for them, on account of personal experience and heredity.

Fleas can be taught nearly anything a congressman can.

It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native criminal class except Congress.

I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.

There ought to be a room in every house to swear in. It's dangerous to have to repress an emotion like that.

A woman springs a sudden reproach upon you which provokes a hot retort, and then she will presently ask you to apologize.

He charged nothing for his preaching and it was worth it too.

Everybody's private motto: It's better to be popular than right.

To string incongruities and absurdities together in a wandering and sometimes purposeless way, and seem innocently unaware that they are absurdities, is the basis of the American art, if my position is correct.

A man with a hump-backed uncle mustn't make fun of another man's cross-eyed aunt

Too much of anything is bad, but too much good whiskey is barely enough.

A lie can make it half way around the world before the truth has time to put its boots on.

Senator: Person who makes laws in Washington when not doing time.

To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence.

Eating and sleeping are the only activities that should be allowed to interrupt a man's enjoyment of his cigar.

Nothing agrees with me. If I drink coffee, it gives me dyspepsia; if I drink wine, it gives me the gout; if I go to church, it gives me dysentery.

The partitions of the houses were so thin we could hear the women occupants of adjoining rooms changing their minds.

When I was fourteen years old, I was amazed at how unintelligent my father was. By the time I turned twenty-one, I was astounded how much he had learned in the last seven years.

What is human life? The first third a good time; the rest remembering about it.

When a teacher calls a boy by his entire name, it means trouble .

I haven't a particle of confidence in a man who has no redeeming petty vices whatsoever.

You can go to heaven if you want. I'd rather stay in Bermuda.