Humor e Ironia

I'm in favor of progress; it's change I don't like .

The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself.

We regret the things we don't do more than the things we do.

Adam was but human—this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent; then he would have eaten the serpent.

Never refuse to do a kindness unless the act would work great injury to yourself, and never refuse to take a drink - under any circumstances.

Civilization is a limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.

In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language.

If we learned to walk and talk the way we learn to read and write, everyone would limp and stutter .

It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.

The Bible has noble poetry in it... and some good morals and a wealth of obscenity, and upwards of a thousand lies.

It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.

Vote: The only commodity that is peddle able without a license.

A circle is a round straight line with a hole in the middle.

It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.

When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.

I am pushing sixty. That is enough exercise for me.

I notice that you use plain, simple language, short words and brief sentences. That is the way to write English - it is the modern way and the best way. Stick to it; don't let fluff and flowers and verbosity creep in.

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

It was a place of sin, loose women, whiskey and gambling. It was no place for a good Presbyterian, and I did not long remain one.

I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.

Explaining humor is a lot like dissecting a frog, you learn a lot in the process, but in the end you kill it.

There are only two types of speakers in the world. 1. The nervous and 2. Liars.

Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.

There's always something about your success that displeases even your best friends.