There have been only two authentic geniuses in the world, Willie Mays and Willie Shakespeare.

[ Remark to Alexander Woollcott after attending an unsuccessful revival of Maeterlinck’s play Aglavaine and Selysette:] There is less in this than meets the eye.

I don’t know what I am, darling. I’ve tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes me claustrophobic. And the others give me either stiff neck or lockjaw.

Never practice two vices at once.

Here's a rule I recommend Never practice two vices at once.

They used to photograph Shirley Temple through gauze. They should photograph me through linoleum.

I thought I told you to wait in the car.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.

I’ll come and make love to you at five o’clock. If I’m late, start without me.

Codeine . . . bourbon.