W. C. Fields

Hell, I never vote for anybody. I always vote against.

I'm sorry, my good fellow, but all my money is tied up in currency.

I never drink water, because fish fuck in it.

I’ve been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years.

[ Deathbed remark while reading the Bible :] I’m looking for loopholes.

[ The Great Man, played by W. C. Fields, speaking :] I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. ’Tis the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.

Everybody has to believe in something.... I believe I'll have another drink.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

All Englishmen talk as if they’ve got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then, after swallowing them, get constipated from the pits.

[ When asked whether he liked children :] I do if they’re properly cooked!

[ Mr. Snavely, played by W. C. Fields, speaking :] It ain’t a fit night out for man or beast.

[ Rollo La Rue, played by W. C. Fields, speaking :]

[ Of Charlie Chaplin :] The son of a bitch is a ballet dancer. . . . He’s the best ballet dancer that ever lived . . . and if I get a good chance I’ll kill him with my bare hands.

I’d rather have two girls at 21 each, than one girl at 42.

Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

There’s no such thing as a tough child. If you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

A Merry Christmas to all my friends except two.

What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?

[ Professor Quail, played by W. C. Fields, speaking :] Now that I’m here, I shall dally in the valley—and believe me, I can dally.

[ Larsen E. Whipsnade, played by W. C. Fields, speaking :] You kids are disgusting, skulking around here all day, reeking of popcorn and lollipops.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.

When life hands you lemons, make whiskey sours.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

The nation needs to return to the colonial trend of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split, or buckets of coal she could carry up from the cellar.

Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.

[ J. Effingham Bellweather, played by W. C. Fields, speaking :] Godfrey Daniel!

You Can’t Cheat an Honest Man.

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case

[ Sam Bisbee, played by W. C. Fields, speaking :] It’s a funny old world—a man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

I drink, therefore I am.

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.

Bookmakers are pickpockets who allow you to use your own hands.