W. C. Fields

[ Cuthbert J. Twillie, played by W. C. Fields, speaking :] A thing worth having is worth cheating for.

[ The Great Man, played by W. C. Fields, speaking :] I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. ’Tis the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

[ Cuthbert J. Twillie, played by W. C. Fields, responding to the question, “Is this a game of chance?” :] Not the way I play it.

[ When asked whether he liked children :] I do if they’re properly cooked!

I’d rather have two girls at 21 each, than one girl at 42.

[ Larsen E. Whipsnade, played by W. C. Fields, speaking :] You kids are disgusting, skulking around here all day, reeking of popcorn and lollipops.

You Can’t Cheat an Honest Man.

Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.

[ Sam Bisbee, played by W. C. Fields, speaking :] It’s a funny old world—a man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.

[ Harold Bissonette, played by W. C. Fields, replying to a real estate agent who said “You’re drunk” :] Yeah, and you’re crazy. I’ll be sober tomorrow, but you’ll be crazy the rest of your life.

[ Mr. Snavely, played by W. C. Fields, speaking :] It ain’t a fit night out for man or beast.

[ Professor Quail, played by W. C. Fields, speaking :] Now that I’m here, I shall dally in the valley—and believe me, I can dally.

[ Rollo La Rue, played by W. C. Fields, speaking :]

[ J. Effingham Bellweather, played by W. C. Fields, speaking :] Godfrey Daniel!

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

When life hands you lemons, make whiskey sours.

The nation needs to return to the colonial trend of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split, or buckets of coal she could carry up from the cellar.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

I never drink water, because fish fuck in it.

All Englishmen talk as if they’ve got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then, after swallowing them, get constipated from the pits.

A Merry Christmas to all my friends except two.

I never met a kid I liked.

There’s no such thing as a tough child. If you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?

I drink, therefore I am.

I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.

Everybody has to believe in something.... I believe I'll have another drink.

Remember, Lady Godiva put all she had on a horse and she lost her shirt!

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Bookmakers are pickpockets who allow you to use your own hands.

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.

I'm sorry, my good fellow, but all my money is tied up in currency.