It has been said that a Scotchman has not seen the world until he has seen Edinburgh; and I think that I may say that an American has not seen the United States until he has seen Mardi Gras in New Orleans.

When a humorist ventures upon the grave concerns of life he must do his job better than another man or he works harm to his cause.

The Mississippi River will always have its own way; no engineering skill can persuade it to do otherwise.

Life is short, break the rules.

Eight grown Americans out of ten dread the coming of the Fourth, with its pandemonium and its perils, and they rejoice when it is gone-if still alive.

Armor is heavy, yet it is a proud burden, and a man standeth straight in it.

All my life I have been honest-comparatively honest. I could never use money I had not made honestly-I could only lend it.

Recipe for a long life: Only smoke while awake. Only run when being chased.

The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.

There is a sumptuous variety about the New England weather... In the spring I have counted one hundred and twenty-six different kinds of weather inside of four and twenty hours.