Quotes to inspire and reflect

I had rather be married to a death’s head with a bone in his mouth…

Women represent the triumph of matter over mind, just as men represent the triumph of mind over morals.

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.

I can’t mate in captivity.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Men marry because they are tired; women, because they are curious: both are disappointed.

Wedded be thou to the hags of hell…

All men are married women’s property. That is the only true definition of what married women’s property really is.

I have often observed that in married households the champagne is rarely of a first-rate brand.

I’ve sometimes thought of marrying, but then I’ve thought again.

Alimony—the ransom that the happy pay to the devil.

My wife got the house, the car, the bank account, and if I marry again and have children, she gets them too.

The happiness of a married man…depends on the people he has not married.

It’s perfectly scandalous the amount of bachelors who are going about society. There should be a law passed to compel them all to marry within 12 months.

Marriage: A legal or religious ceremony by which two persons of the opposite sex solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other for 99 years, or until death do them join.

It was partially my fault that we got divorced…I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

The real drawback to marriage is that it makes one unselfish. And unselfish people are colorless. They lack individuality.

The longest sentence you can form with two words is “I do.”

Girls never marry the men they flirt with. Girls don’t think it right.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? Because they’re worth it.

I am not in favor of long engagements. They give people the opportunity of finding out each other’s characters before marriage, which I think is never advisable.

After marriage, a woman’s sight becomes so keen that she can see right through her husband without looking at him, and a man’s so dull that he can look right through his wife without seeing her.

Marriage is but for a little while. It is alimony that is forever.

Men are April when they woo, December when they wed.

When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.

Women have become so highly educated…that nothing should surprise us nowadays, except happy marriages.

Don’t marry a man to reform him—that’s what reform schools are for.

Men are my hobby. If I ever got married, I’d have to give it up.

No married man is ever attractive except to his wife.

[Matrimony]…that high sea for which no compass has as yet been found.

There are good marriages, but no delicious ones.

Whenever you’re right, shut up.

Bride, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

Though women are angels, yet wedlock’s the devil.

An engagement should come on a young girl as a surprise, pleasant or unpleasant, as the case may be.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Marriage: A word which should be pronounced “mirage.”

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.

Dammit, sir, it is your duty to get married. You can’t be always living for pleasure.

It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.

Marriage to woman is just like jumping through a hole in the ice in winter. You do it once, and you remember it the rest of your life.

Marriage halves our griefs, doubles our joys, and quadruples our expenses.

Marriage, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.

When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.

I don’t believe in extramarital relationships. I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics.

He’s the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.

If we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time of it.