Quotes to inspire and reflect

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

It is a terrible thing for a man to find out suddenly that all his life he has been speaking nothing but the truth.

We’re having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.

Turkey, n. A large bird whose flesh when eaten on certain religious anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude. Incidentally, it is pretty good eating.

Television has done much for psychiatry by spreading information about it, as well as contributing to the need for it.

Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.

American people don’t believe anything until they see it on television.

I’m delighted with [television], because it used to be that films were the lowest form of art. Now we’re got something to look down on.

My father hated radio and could not wait for television to be invented so he could hate that too.

Television has raised writing to a new low.

Why should people go out and pay to see bad movies when they can stay at home and see bad television for nothing.

Television is a device that permits people who haven’t anything to do to watch people who can’t do anything.

Success, n. The one unpardonable sin against one’s fellows.

The secret to success is to offend the greatest number of people.

Swimming isn’t a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning.

Don’t marry a tennis player—love means nothing to them.

Baseball happens to be a game of cumulative tension, but football, basketball, and hockey are played with hand grenades and machine guns.

One should always play fairly…when one has the winning cards.

Many a woman has a past, but I am told that she has at least a dozen, and that they all fit.

If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.

I think that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five it’s fantastic.

I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher—they are going to make a board game out of it.

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.

Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

I’m the girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Of all sexual aberrations, chastity is the strangest.

For women the best aphrodisiacs are words. The G-spot is in the ears. He who looks for it below there is wasting his time.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

I feel like a million tonight—but one at a time.

The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to her, if she is pretty, and to someone else if she is plain.

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

They say all lovers swear more performance than they are able.

My brain—that’s my second favorite organ.

Virginity breeds mites, much like a cheese.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?

Let’s forget the six feet and talk about the seven inches.

Personally, I know nothing about sex because I’ve always been married.

My girlfriend always laughs during sex—no matter what she’s reading.

The difference between sex and death is, with death you can do it alone and nobody’s going to make fun of you.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives 40 miles away.

I’ll come and make love to you at five o’clock. If I’m late, start without me.

and the Beatles’ first LP.

I prefer women with a past. They’re always so damned amusing to talk to.

Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.

A hard man’s good to find—but you’ll mostly find him asleep.

Sex alleviates tension and love causes it.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?