Quotes to inspire and reflect

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, “the man goes on top and the woman underneath.” For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds.

My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.

A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.

I had the radio on.

I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot.

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between the right man and the right woman.

When I’m good, I’m very, very good, but when I’m bad, I’m better.

Let me pray to God…The bastard! He doesn’t exist.

It’s so long since I’ve had sex, I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.

I do benefits for all religions—I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

I’m really a timid person—I was beaten up by Quakers.

Heaven, n. A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own.

Has anyone noticed that in heaven all the interesting men are missing?

I don’t believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Because I’m Jewish, a lot of people ask why I killed Christ. What can I say? It was an accident. It was one of those parties that got out of hand.

If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.

I don’t pray because I don’t want to bore God.

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter.

When a woman gets too old to be attractive to man, she turns to God.

As God once said, and I think rightly…

I would have made a good Pope.

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

If the universe is expanding, why can’t I find a parking space?

And God said, “Let there be light” and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

It’s impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought—particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute and it’s longer than any hour. That’s relativity.

A professional politician is a professionally dishonorable man. In order to get anywhere near high office he has to make so many compromises and submit to so many humiliations that he becomes indistinguishable from a streetwalker.

To see the things thou dost not.

Politics would be a helluva good business if it weren’t for the goddamned people.

A politician should have three hats. One for throwing into the ring, one for talking through, and one for pulling rabbits out of if elected.

He may be a son of a bitch, but he’s our son of a bitch.

One day the don’t-knows will get in, and then where will we be?

I don’t know what people have got against the government—they’ve done nothing.

I am sure, Lord Illingworth, you don’t think that uneducated people should be allowed to have votes?

Of this vile politician.

Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as dangerous. In war you can only be killed once, but in politics many times.

Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards. If you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.

High hopes were once formed of democracy; but democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people. It has been found out.

Nothing is so admirable in politics as a short memory.

A good politician…is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar or a virtuous harlot.

I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

A politician…one that would circumvent God.

I don’t know a lot about politics, but I can recognize a good party man when I see one.

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most of it unsolved.

New York, the nation’s thyroid gland.