Quotes to inspire and reflect

Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three dollar pantyhose that won’t run.

At girls who wear glasses.

I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither of them would take out the garbage.

A man would prefer to come home to an unmade bed and a happy woman than to a neatly made bed and an angry woman.

Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man is ever going to make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum. “My God, the floor’s immaculate. Lie down, you hot bitch.”

I only like two kinds of men—domestic and imported.

As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied.

Women and elephants never forget.

I’m tired, send one of them home.

By persistently remaining single, a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation.

You have to be very fond of men. Very, very fond. You have to be very fond of them to love them. Otherwise, they’re simply unbearable.

The history of women is the history of the worst form of tyranny the world has ever known. The tyranny of the weak over the strong.

Men and women, women and men—it will never work.

I like a man who’s good, but not too good. The good die young, and I hate a dead one.

Female, n. One of the opposing, or unfair, sex.

Women represent the triumph of matter over mind, just as men represent the triumph of mind over morals.

I had rather be married to a death’s head with a bone in his mouth…

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.

I can’t mate in captivity.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Men marry because they are tired; women, because they are curious: both are disappointed.

All men are married women’s property. That is the only true definition of what married women’s property really is.

Wedded be thou to the hags of hell…

I have often observed that in married households the champagne is rarely of a first-rate brand.

I’ve sometimes thought of marrying, but then I’ve thought again.

My wife got the house, the car, the bank account, and if I marry again and have children, she gets them too.

Alimony—the ransom that the happy pay to the devil.

The happiness of a married man…depends on the people he has not married.

It’s perfectly scandalous the amount of bachelors who are going about society. There should be a law passed to compel them all to marry within 12 months.

It was partially my fault that we got divorced…I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

Marriage: A legal or religious ceremony by which two persons of the opposite sex solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other for 99 years, or until death do them join.

The longest sentence you can form with two words is “I do.”

The real drawback to marriage is that it makes one unselfish. And unselfish people are colorless. They lack individuality.

Girls never marry the men they flirt with. Girls don’t think it right.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? Because they’re worth it.

After marriage, a woman’s sight becomes so keen that she can see right through her husband without looking at him, and a man’s so dull that he can look right through his wife without seeing her.

I am not in favor of long engagements. They give people the opportunity of finding out each other’s characters before marriage, which I think is never advisable.

Marriage is but for a little while. It is alimony that is forever.

Men are April when they woo, December when they wed.

Women have become so highly educated…that nothing should surprise us nowadays, except happy marriages.

When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.

Men are my hobby. If I ever got married, I’d have to give it up.

Don’t marry a man to reform him—that’s what reform schools are for.

No married man is ever attractive except to his wife.

[Matrimony]…that high sea for which no compass has as yet been found.

There are good marriages, but no delicious ones.

Whenever you’re right, shut up.