Quotes to inspire and reflect

Take my wife—please!

The institution is wrong.

Basically my wife was immature. I’d be in my bath, and she’d come in and sink my boats.

Home is where you hang your head.

Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a cage is natural to a cockatoo.

All I need is room enough to lay a hat and a few friends.

Anybody can make history. Only a great man can write it.

History never repeats itself. The historians repeat each other. There is a wide difference.

The ideal way to get rid of any infectious disease would be to shoot instantly every person who comes down with it.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.

I enjoy convalescence. It is the part that makes the illness worth while.

The most infectious pestilence upon thee!

Nothing ages like happiness.

Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.

Now, whatever music sounds like, I am glad to say that it does not sound in the smallest degree like German.

My husband’s German. Every night I get dressed up as Poland and he invades me.

Waiting for the German verb is surely the ultimate thrill!

The German people are an orderly, vain, deeply sentimental and rather insensitive people. They seem to feel at their best when they are singing in chorus, saluting or obeying orders.

The Germans are exceedingly fond of Rhine wines; they are put up in tall, slender bottles, and are considered a pleasant beverage. One tells them from vinegar by the label.

I don’t think anyone should write his autobiography until after he is dead.

I don’t go so far as to think that the only good Indians are dead Indians, but I believe nine out of every ten are, and I shouldn’t inquire too closely into the case of the tenth.

I have determined that there is no market for talking pictures.

This is the greatest week in the history of the world since the Creation.

It’s no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way of the other.

China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.

I suppose a knighthood is out of the question now?

Every prime minister needs a Willie.

My fellow Americans, I’m pleased to tell you today that I’ve signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.

He’s the kind of man who picks his friends—to pieces.

There is no spectacle more agreeable than to observe an old friend fall from a rooftop.

There are three faithful friends—an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.

Love your enemy. But don’t forget he is not your friend.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won’t get much sleep.

France is a dog-hole.

He can speak French; and therefore he is a traitor.

France is a country where the money falls apart in your hands and you can’t tear the toilet paper.

To err is human. To loaf is Parisian.

France seems to interest herself mainly in high art and seduction.

I can never forgive God for creating the French.

France has neither winter nor summer nor morals—apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country.

No matter how politely or distinctly you ask a Parisian a question, he will persist in answering you in French.

I never drink coffee at lunch—I find it keeps me awake for the afternoon.

The French invented the only known cure for dandruff. It is called the guillotine.

I asked the waiter, “Is this milk fresh?” He said, “Lady, three hours ago it was grass.”

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

I never drink water, because fish fuck in it.