Quotes to inspire and reflect

The only thing that sustains one through life is the consciousness of the immense inferiority of everybody else, and this is a feeling that I have always cultivated.

My life is one demd horrid grind.

When life hands you lemons, make whiskey sours.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Everything is dangerous, my dear fellow. If it wasn’t so, life wouldn’t be worth living.

Ducking for apples—change one letter and it’s the story of my life.

The first duty in life is to be as artificial as possible. What the second duty is no one has as yet discovered.

Life is something to do when you can’t get to sleep.

In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

My only regret in life is that I’m not someone else.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

It’s possible, you can never know, that the universe exists only for me. If so, it’s sure going well for me, I must admit.

[Life] is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

…life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.

It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury. Half of them don’t believe that it can physically be done, and the other half are doing it.

…life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about it.

The law is a ass—a idiot.

Litigation, n. A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.

My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. One of the other of us has to go.

People who throw kisses are mighty hopelessly lazy.

Therefore, no kiss.

If you are ever in doubt as to whether or not you should kiss a pretty girl, always give her the benefit of the doubt.

Rome reminds me of a man who lives by exhibiting to travelers his grandmother’s corpse.

As frozen water to a starved snake.

Italy the home of art and swindling; home of religion and moral rottenness.

Rome seems to be a great fair of shams, humbugs, and frauds. Religion is its commerce and its wealth, like dung in the Black Forest.

If you put an Irishman on a spit, you can always get another Irishman to baste him.

I once saw a sign on a lift in Dublin that said: “Please do not use this when it is not working.”

Our Irish ancestors believed in magic, prayers, trickery, browbeating and bullying. I think it would be fair to sum that list up as “Irish politics.”

…the Irish are not at peace unless they are at war…

I showed my appreciation of my native land in the usual Irish way—by getting out of it as soon as I possibly could.

I reckon no man is thoroughly miserable unless he be condemned to live in Ireland.

Dublin University contains the cream of Ireland: rich and thick.

The Irish are a fair people; they never speak well of one another.

This [the Irish] is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever.

I’m Irish. We think sideways.

He’s so fat, he can be his own running mate.

She’s a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

Thou drone, thou snail, thou slug, thou sot!

Lady Caroline: I have no doubt of it.

You are as a candle, the better part burnt out.

Away, you three-inch fool!

I shan’t be taking my wife with me to Paris. You don’t take a sausage roll to a banquet.

…woo her, wed her, and bed her, and rid the house of her.

And least proportion of humanity.

I admire him, I frankly confess it; and when his time comes, I shall buy a piece of the rope for a keepsake.

He’s not unlike Hitler, but without the charm.

A man’s life is of more value than a woman’s. It has larger issues, wider scope, greater ambitions.