Quotes to inspire and reflect

Society produces rogues and education makes one rogue cleverer than another.

To those of you who received honors, awards, and distinctions, I say, well done. And to the C students I say, you, too, can be president of the United States.

If I had any decency, I’d be dead. Most of my friends are.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Although always prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

One can survive everything nowadays, except death…

Silence is the most perfect expression of scorn.

It is a much cleverer thing to talk nonsense than to listen to it…

He speaks nothing but madman.

I think that whenever one has anything unpleasant to say, one should always be quite candid.

“No comment” is a splendid expression. I’m using it again and again.

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.

The whole point of Christmas is that it is a debauch—as it was probably long before the birth of Christ was arbitrarily fixed at that date.

Every idiot who goes about with “Merry Christmas” on his lips, should be boiled with his own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart.

Christmas, n. A day set apart and consecrated to gluttony, drunkenness, maudlin sentiment, gift-taking, public dullness and domestic behavior.

A Merry Christmas to all my friends except two.

I never met a kid I liked.

Few parents nowadays pay any regard to what their children say to them. The old-fashioned respect for the young is fast dying out.

The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant—and let the air out of the tires.

There’s no such thing as a tough child. If you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Children nowadays are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.

What is a home without children? Quiet.

…a few acres of snow…

My mother loved children—she would have given anything if I had been one.

In California everyone goes to a therapist, is a therapist, or is a therapist going to a therapist.

It is an odd thing, but every one who disappears is said to be seen at San Francisco. It must be a delightful city, and possess all the attractions of the next world.

In California, they don’t throw their garbage away—they make it into TV shows.

Do you have blacks, too?

Tell your nice mummies and daddies to buy this book for you and hit them until they do.

Parents should leave books lying around marked “forbidden” if they want their children to read.

Hiring someone to write your autobiography is like hiring someone to take a bath for you.

I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing wrong about going to bed with a good book…or a friend who’s read one.

The average man is more interested in a woman who is interested in him than he is in a woman with beautiful legs.

Your bum is the greatest thing about you.

I have the body of an eighteen-year-old. I keep it in the fridge.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

The owl shriek’d at thy birth, an evil sign.

They [good looks] are a snare that every sensible man would like to be caught in.

Amnesia is a condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.