Quotes to inspire and reflect

All husbands are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

My most brilliant achievement was my ability to persuade my wife to marry me.

At first a woman doesn’t want anything but a husband, but just as soon as she gets one, she wants everything else in the world.

[The perfect husband] tells you when you’ve got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.

When a woman marries again, it is because she detested her first husband. When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife. Women try their luck; men risk theirs.

In my house I’m the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.

There is an art to “catching a husband”: “keeping” him is a profession.

My wife’s a hobby-horse…

The only way a woman can ever reform a man is by boring him so completely that he loses all possible interest in life.

The nation needs to return to the colonial trend of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split, or buckets of coal she could carry up from the cellar.

There is only one real tragedy in a woman’s life. The fact that her past is always her lover, and her future invariably her husband.

Ah, my husband is a sort of promissory note; I’m tired of meeting him.

The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him.

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me “I’m not losing a son; I’m gaining a couch.”

It’s most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his wife in public. It always makes people think that he beats her when they’re alone.

You mean apart from my own?

Take my wife—please!

The institution is wrong.

Home is where you hang your head.

Basically my wife was immature. I’d be in my bath, and she’d come in and sink my boats.

Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a cage is natural to a cockatoo.

All I need is room enough to lay a hat and a few friends.

Anybody can make history. Only a great man can write it.

History never repeats itself. The historians repeat each other. There is a wide difference.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.

The ideal way to get rid of any infectious disease would be to shoot instantly every person who comes down with it.

The most infectious pestilence upon thee!

I enjoy convalescence. It is the part that makes the illness worth while.

Nothing ages like happiness.

Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.

Now, whatever music sounds like, I am glad to say that it does not sound in the smallest degree like German.

My husband’s German. Every night I get dressed up as Poland and he invades me.

Waiting for the German verb is surely the ultimate thrill!

The German people are an orderly, vain, deeply sentimental and rather insensitive people. They seem to feel at their best when they are singing in chorus, saluting or obeying orders.

The Germans are exceedingly fond of Rhine wines; they are put up in tall, slender bottles, and are considered a pleasant beverage. One tells them from vinegar by the label.

I don’t think anyone should write his autobiography until after he is dead.

I have determined that there is no market for talking pictures.

I don’t go so far as to think that the only good Indians are dead Indians, but I believe nine out of every ten are, and I shouldn’t inquire too closely into the case of the tenth.

It’s no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way of the other.

This is the greatest week in the history of the world since the Creation.

China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.

I suppose a knighthood is out of the question now?

My fellow Americans, I’m pleased to tell you today that I’ve signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.

Every prime minister needs a Willie.

He’s the kind of man who picks his friends—to pieces.

There is no spectacle more agreeable than to observe an old friend fall from a rooftop.

There are three faithful friends—an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.