Quotes to inspire and reflect

She was what we used to call a suicide blond — dyed by her own hand.

Careful grooming may take twenty years off a woman's age, but you can't fool a flight of stairs.

I speak two languages: English and Body.

The man's desire is for the woman; but the woman's desire is rarely other than for the desire of the man.

When women kiss it always reminds me of prize fighters shaking hands.

Curve: The loveliest distance between two points.

There is nothing wrong with a woman welcoming all men’s advances as long as they are in cash.

Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.

She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?

There is a difference between happiness and wisdom: he that thinks himself the happiest man is really so; but he that thinks himself the wisest is generally the greatest fool.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Politics are very much like war. We may even have to use poison gas at times.

War: first, one hopes to win; then one expects the enemy to lose; then, one is satisfied that he too is suffering; in the end, one is surprised that everyone has lost.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

Everywhere is nowhere. When a person spends all his time in foreign travel, he ends by having many acquaintances, but no friends.

How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to anyone?

I’ve been to almost as many places as my luggage.

Modern travelling is not travelling at all; it is merely being sent to a place, and very little different from becoming a parcel.

The first condition of understanding a foreign country is to smell it.

Being in a ship is like being in a jail, with the option of drowning.

A man who, beyond the age of 26, finds himself on a bus can count himself as a failure.

That’s OK. We can walk to the kerb from here.

I’ve called my car Flattery because it gets me nowhere.

I am sorry to say that there is too much point to the wisecrack that life is extinct on other planets because their scientists were more advanced than ours.

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it.

If you can't explain it to a six-year-old, you don't understand it yourself.

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.

Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.

My formula for success is to rise early, work late and strike oil.

Success is relative. It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.

I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10 percent sex, 90 percent guilt

It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.

Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

A fact is a simple statement that everyone believes. It is innocent, unless found guilty. A hypothesis is a novel suggestion that no one wants to believe. It is guilty, until found effective.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

Science is the record of dead religions.

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.

Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

An Inuit hunter asked the local missionary priest: "If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?" "No," said the priest, "not if you did not know." "Then why," asked the Inuit earnestly, "did you tell me?"

Man cannot make a worm, yet he will make gods by the dozen.