W. S. Gilbert

Three little maids who, all unwary,

To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,

[ Yum-Yum :] Everything is a source of fun.

And that singular anomaly, the lady novelist—

My family pride is something inconceivable. I can’t help it. I was born sneering.

Behold the Lord High Executioner!

When the enterprising burglar isn’t burgling, When the cut-throat isn’t occupied in crime.

Twenty love-sick maidens we, Love-sick all against our will.

Our feelings we with difficulty smother

When a felon’s not engaged in his employment

I’m very well acquainted too with matters mathematical,

When the foeman bares his steel Tarantara! tarantara!

I am the very model of a modern Major-General,

You shall quickly be parsonified,

Here’s a first-rate opportunity

Poor wandering one!

He is an Englishman!

Things are seldom what they seem,

When I was a lad I served a term

Bad language or abuse,

And I think it only right

To return the compliment.

Then give three cheers, and one cheer more,

[ Captain :] I do my best to satisfy you all—

[ Captain :] And I’m never, never sick at sea!

[ Captain :] I am the Captain of the Pinafore ;

The happiest hour a sailor sees / Is when he’s down / At an inland town, / With his Nancy on his knees, yo ho! / And his arm around her waist!

Spurn not the nobly-born / With love affected, / Nor treat with virtuous scorn / The well- connected.

Life’s a pudding full of plums.

Life’s perhaps the only riddle / That we shrink from giving up.

The privilege and pleasure / That we treasure beyond measure / Is to run on little errands for the Ministers of State.

See how the Fates their gifts allot, / For A is happy-—B is not. / Yet B is worthy, I dare say, / Of more prosperity than A.

Darwinian Man, though well-behaved, / At best is only a monkey shaved!

Is life a boon? / If so, it must befall / That Death, whene’er he call, / Must call too soon.

If you’re anxious for to shine in the high aesthetic line as a man of culture rare, / You must get up all the germs of the transcendental terms, and plant them everywhere.

When a felon’s not engaged in his employment, / Or maturing his felonious little plans, / His capacity for innocent enjoyment / Is just as great as any honest man’s.