[ Boris Grushenko, played by Woody Allen, responding to “Sex without love is an empty experience” :] Yes, but—as empty experiences go—it’s one of the best!

[ Miles Monroe, played by Woody Allen, speaking :] My brain? It’s my second favorite organ.

[ Miles Monroe, played by Woody Allen, speaking about what he believes in :] Sex and death. Two things that come once in a lifetime. But at least after death you’re not nauseous.

[ Allan Felix, played by Woody Allen, speaking :] I hate the beach. I hate the sun. I’m pale and I’m redheaded. I don’t tan—I stroke.

[ Miles Monroe, played by Woody Allen, responding to the comment “It’s hard to believe that you haven’t had sex for two hundred years” :] Two hundred and four if you count my marriage.

[ Fielding Mellish, played by Woody Allen, speaking :] I object, your honor! This trial is a travesty. It’s a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham.

[ Fielding Mellish, played by Woody Allen, choosing between freedom and death :] Well, freedom is wonderful. On the other hand, if you’re dead, it’s a tremendous drawback to your sex life.

[ Louise, played by Janet Margolin, speaking :] He never made the ten-most-wanted list. It’s very unfair voting. It’s who you know.

[ Virgil Starkwell, played by Woody Allen, speaking :] I was so touched by her that, after fifteen minutes, I wanted to marry her and, after half an hour, I completely gave up the idea of snatching her purse.