During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.

An income tax form is like a laundry list -- either way you lose your shirt.

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

Do we really deserve top billing?

Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.