A dramatic critic is a man who leaves no turn unstoned.

The 100% American is 99% an idiot.

Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.

A man ought to be able to be fond of his wife without making a fool of himself about her.

Fashions are the only induced epidemics, proving that epidemics can be induced by tradesmen.

We should all be obliged to appear before a board every five years and justify our existence...on pain of liquidation.

The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.

Let a short Act of Parliament be passed, placing all street musicians outside the protection of the law, so that any citizen may assail them with stones, sticks, knives, pistols, or bombs without incurring any penalties.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.