Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Life is a near-death experience.

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.

There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.