The ideal way to get rid of any infectious disease would be to shoot instantly every person who comes down with it.

When women kiss it always reminds me of prize fighters shaking hands.

Morality is doing what is right, no matter what you are told. Religion is doing what you are told, no matter what is right.

Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later, for another thing, they die earlier.

To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia.

Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage.

The opera is to music what a bawdy house is to a cathedral.

Opera in English, is about as sensible as baseball in Italian.

The lunatic fringe wags the underdog.

Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.