Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.

The political and commercial morals of the United States are not merely food for laughter, they are an entire banquet.

If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will answer, but if it is a Fact, proof is necessary

We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.

I smoke in moderation. Only one cigar at a time.

The easy part of being an artist is figuring out the message that everyone else is ready to hear. The hard part is waiting for the proper lull to make the announcement.

Do not offer a compliment and ask a favor at the same time. A compliment that is charged for is not valuable.

Irreverence is the champion of liberty and its only sure defense.

Methuselah lived to be 969 years old . You boys and girls will see more in the next fifty years than Methuselah saw in his whole lifetime.

Each nation knowing it has the only true religion and the only sane system of government, each despising all the others, each an ass and not suspecting it .