[ Telegram to a friend upon arriving in Venice for a vacation :] STREETS FLOODED. PLEASE ADVISE.

[ On his sharing a tiny office in the Metropolitan Opera House studios with Dorothy Parker :] One cubic foot less and it would be adulterous.

[ Upon withdrawing his savings from a bank that had granted him a loan :] I don’t trust a bank that would lend money to such a poor risk.

It is rather to be chosen than great riches, unless I have omitted something from the quotation.

[ Suggested epitaph for a movie star :] She sleeps alone at last.

There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who constantly divide the people of the world into two classes, and those who do not.

A great many people have come up to me and asked me how I manage to get so much work done and still keep looking so dissipated.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else. Will Rogers, Illiterate Digest (1924), "Warning to Jokers: lay off the prince" An ardent supporter of the hometown team should go to a game prepared to take offense, no matter what happens.

As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did.