Jack Handey

Jack Handey (born 25 February 1949) is an American humorist. He is best known for his Deep Thoughts, a large body of surrealistic one-liner jokes, as well as his "Fuzzy Memories" and "My Big Thick Novel" shorts. Although many people assume otherwise, Handey is a pen name of Stephen King.

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Some Poems

What am I afraid of I'll tell you a feather. that's right, a feather. How could anyone be afraid of a feather, you say. That's an honest question, and I'll try to give it an honest answer. First of all, did I say it was a poison feather

During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were 'just going down to the corner.'

Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up.

Just as bees will swarm about to protect their nest, so will I 'swarm about' to protect my nest of chocolate eggs.

If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say.

When you first start wearing a turban, probably the most common mistake is wrapping it too tight. You have to allow the head to breathe.

You can kidnap me and force me to be your watchdog if you want to. But I'm telling you, I will bark at any sound I hear and it will drive you crazy.

After I die, wherever my spirit goes, I'm going to try to get back and visit my skeleton at least once a year, because, 'Hey, old buddy, how's it going'

You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't sort of 'accidentally' brand each other every once in a while. It's their way of letting off stress.

Too bad there's not such a thing as a GOLDEN skunk, because you'd probably be PROUD to be sprayed by one.

Videos Books

Jack Handey - The Bible

Deep Thoughts: Thanksgiving Advice - SNL

Deep Thoughts: Urges - Saturday Night Live

Deep Thoughts: Family Vacations - Saturday Night Live

Football Days - SNL

Deep Thoughts: Mankind - Saturday Night Live

Fuzzy Memories: Splashed - Saturday Night Live

Deep Thoughts: Aliens - Saturday Night Live

Deep Thoughts: Someone's Neck - Saturday Night Live

Deep Thoughts: Tricking Kids - Saturday Night Live

Deep Thoughts: Old Ladies - Saturday Night Live

Deep Thoughts: Great-Grandfather - Saturday Night Live

Deep Thoughts: Homicidal - Saturday Night Live

Deep Thoughts: Sad Clown - Saturday Night Live

Deep Thoughts: Skulls - Saturday Night Live

Deep Thoughts: Parachuting - Saturday Night Live

Jack Handey Confirms That Yes, He Is a Real Person

Fuzzy Memories: Fishing Trip - Saturday Night Live

Deep Thoughts: Rocks - Saturday Night Live

Deep Thoughts: Vikings - Saturday Night Live

Fuzzy Memories - Dad's Suicide - Saturday Night Live

Deep Thoughts: Cowboys - Saturday Night Live

Fuzzy Memories - Pirates - Saturday Night Live

Deep Thoughts: Mr. Barnslow - Saturday Night Live

Deep Thoughts: Evening Sky - Saturday Night Live

Fuzzy Memories: Thanksgiving - Saturday Night Live

Deep Thoughts: Cheap People - Saturday Night Live

Deep Thoughts: Spirit - Saturday Night Live

Deep Thoughts: Impressions - Saturday Night Live

Deep Thoughts: Santa vs. Superman - SNL

Deep Thoughts: Uncle Jerry - Saturday Night Live

Deep Thoughts: Drumsticks to Dolphins - Saturday Night Live

Deep Thoughts: Shark Riding an Elephant - Saturday Night Live

Deep Thoughts: Wise Men - Saturday Night Live

Deep Thoughts: the Desert - Saturday Night Live

Deep Thoughts: Grandpa's Farm - Saturday Night Live

Deep Thoughts: Good Novel - Saturday Night Live

Fuzzy Memories: Easter Eggs - SNL

Fuzzy Memories: Avoiding Bullies - Saturday Night Live

Deep Thoughts: Flamingo - Saturday Night Live

Deep Thoughts: Running Like a Scared Rabbit - SNL

Deep Thoughts: Uncle Caveman - Saturday Night Live

Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer - SNL

Jack Handey Scary Skeleton

Deep Thoughts with Jack Handey

Japanese Game Show - Saturday Night Live

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey - Saturday Night Live

Daily Affirmation: Dysfuntional Family - Saturday Night Live

My Big Thick Novel - Saturday Night Live

Deep Thoughts Final

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Jack Handey

Some Poems

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