These are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

I started out with nothing and I've still got most of it left.

I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

I'm going to Iowa to collect an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to pick up an honour from the French government. I'd give it all up for one erection.

I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON’T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.