From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

I could dance with you until the cows come home... on second thoughts, I'll dance with the cows and you go home.

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

I would horsewhip you if I had a horse.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.