What if nothing exists and we’re all in somebody’s dream? Or, what’s worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

More than any other time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness; the other, to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

I think that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five it’s fantastic.

I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher—they are going to make a board game out of it.

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.

My brain—that’s my second favorite organ.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

The difference between sex and death is, with death you can do it alone and nobody’s going to make fun of you.

Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.