It’s impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off.

My wife got the house, the car, the bank account, and if I marry again and have children, she gets them too.

It was partially my fault that we got divorced…I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

I don’t believe in extramarital relationships. I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics.

My wife and I thought we were in love—but it turned out to be benign.

There’s only one kind of love that lasts—unrequited love. It stays with you forever.

My only regret in life is that I’m not someone else.

…life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, “Be fruitful and multiply.” But not in those exact words.

I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.